Loneliness is a complicated emotion, often exacerbated by choices which should otherwise make you happy. Moving to a new town, or a new job, or a choice to study somewhere new. But also often coming with depression, social anxiety and low self-esteem if you find yourself with no friends to reach out to. Whether your loneliness is a brief fling in the whirlwind of your life, or a gentle roommate who occassionally visits family elsewhere but always come back you feel it in your soul.
The complexity of loneliness means there’s often not a single cause but also not a single cure either. There’s no clear definition that can fit all meanings of loneliness. Being surrounded isn’t enough for some of the bad days, but being alone doesn’t always lead the melancholy that comes with loneliness.
Being an introvert I’ve always uttered the worlds that being alone doesn’t make me lonely and it’s true. For me being alone is a survival tactic in an otherwise hectic life of phone calls, zoom calls, lunch meetings, all night texting and being connected to my phone at all hours of the day. But some days my alone-ness can contort into feelings of loneliness, even when I try to reach out to those closest to me.
For me these days started to become more and more the norm. Loneliness changed from a jailer keeping me in a cage to a close friend and confidant that I could curl up next to and tell all my secrets. As you adjust to your own loneliness, it starts to become a safe space and something you almost feel comfortable with.
Looking back on these moments, I realise how I was slowly damaging myself by wallowing in those moments rather than pushing myself out. But when under this spell, I didn’t just not see a way out but I was taking actions to push myself deeper into the loneliness. I was refusing plans, avoiding phone calls, and even lashing out at the people who did try to talk to me.
Removing yourself from these damaging actions can be hard, it pushes you out of your comfort zone and can bring other feelings like anxiety to the front of yoru mind. But good things usually come for those who try to do things out of their comfort zone, and so if you’re having similar feelings you should set yourself small tasks to try it. Maybe it’s something like getting out of the house, or calling an old friend, or maybe something bigger like attending a big event – but make it both a challenge and something to think of like dipping your toe into water.
I wanted to write this post in case it ended up in front of someone else who’s struggling with loneliness. You’re not alone, not truly. We’re all lonely at different times and at different amounts, but someone will always be around the corner who feels the same as you.
The opposite of loneliness can be described as feeling like you belong, and finding a sense of belonging can help push you to take on bigger tasks. Finding like-minded people can be difficult, but it’s something that’s needed as it’s harder to find a sense of belonging with people who you feel you don’t belong with. You can find people at your job, on video games, during classes, or even doing similar hobbies to you. It can be meeting virtually or IRL but pushing for two-communication is key to overcoming it.
As long as the hobby is something you genuinely enjoy, it’s a core way to find your people. You should always unapologetically do the hobbies you love and then find a way to talk about it, whether it’s in person, creating a blog, or finding a space on the internet or real life where people go to talk. Don’t forget you can also do the things you love on your own where you can just appreciate doing something you enjoy. Being able to be passionate about something you enjoy can encourage others to talk to you about it and will hopefully encourage you to find other people too.
Once you’ve found others another hurdle will be to put the effort in to forming a friendship. Using emotions and empathy can help you to learn about other people and create emotional bonds. If you’re struggling, it sometimes helps to just tell the other person too, as they may be in a similar situation or they can help you through it by taking on a larger effort at the start of your friendship which can help your own sense of belonging.
Once you’ve found a place you’re starting to feel less lonely in, it’s important to not let the societal norms take over. When group norms tell you what to do with your time, money and energy, it can go full circle and lead you back into loneliness’s grasp. Don’t put yourself in a situation unless you actually want to do that deep down. This could be as simple as going to a bar for a drink, or more drastic like moving to a new place, but these tasks if done only for someone else can lead you astray. Living up to other people’s expectations can put you in a place where loneliness festers.
And last but not least, if you need an extra helping hand with coping with loneliness, reach out to mental health charities or orgs in your area. The UK has multiple helplines to reach out to.
We all feel loneliness sometimes and each experience is unique. What’s your experience?
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