As I’ve grown, I’ve realised at times that I can be a bad friend. I left my friends to go to university, and I left my friends to go on placement, and I left my placement to go back to university and my contact with people at each stage dropped dramatically. Through all these I realised that I’m a lot better at being a friend when proximity is a factor. This could be down to my own mental health, I often worry that people don’t really like me and then once I’m not near them it’s easier to not have to put up with me. But I can’t ignore the fact that one, my mind often tells me things that aren’t true, and two, I can’t keep blaming my own lack of effort on my mental health. Friendship is a two-way street, and sometimes I need to push myself outside of my comfort zone to hold only these friendships.
I am terrible at keeping in touch with people and I often struggle with the small talk that comes with keeping up to date. If I have something important to tell you or ask you, I’m often happy to message that out of the blue. But these conversations often come with unwritten rules, you must check what each other has been up to, even if you both have not done anything of note. I find myself tiring quickly and wanting to go have a nap with the limited but sometimes frustrating social interactions I’ve tried that day. Is this just me? I wonder as I try to pull another question to ask out of thin air to continue the conversation. I often tend to be the person who forgets to reach out first, which starts the longer pauses between conversations until the inevitable ‘we’ve just grown apart’ spiel occurs.
Of course, I can’t always blame my issues on geography. I’m also not always the best to those I’m with and around most days. It’s never an actual issue with my friends, as I do truly love them, and I am grateful to have them. But I find myself more and more wanting to cancel plans. I’m tired. I’m ill. I honestly just want some time alone with my thoughts. The idea of going out and spending hours on end socialising sometimes makes me exhausted just thinking about it. My mental and physical health is most likely the issue here as it often seems to get worse for longer than it ever used to. But I can’t see it as an excuse to take it out on my friendships. My relationships with people so often feel muted and cut off, and because of my own faults I am struggling to hold onto those who I trust. I can only apologise that I can’t flip a switch and make myself enjoy socialising more.
My own short-comings have come up for both situations and this is where I am stuck. I have a mindset where I am not good enough and that I must be annoying those I try to talk to. I struggle to open up to people as what happens if this is just a short burst of friendship before we both move on. Am I just self-sabotaging myself? Can I get over this? I’m not quite sure. But these are my confessions of a bad friend, and for that I m sorry.
View Comments (11)
This is a great post Becky and really sums up how I myself feel about friendship. I find making friends fairly easy but as soon as I left school/a particular job/moved town these friendships fell by the wayside and despite the continuous ‘we’ll have to catch up soon’ I feel sort of safe in the knowledge that I know we won’t be catching up soon. I’ve come to accept that it’s just part of being a very introverted person and that I’m ok with my own company.
Yeah so often there's the 'we need to catch up' conversation that often gets left behind! I'm quite glad this is relatable as sometimes I do get extremely guilty about it - but I'm very introverted as well so I think it may just be how I am and I should learnt that it is okay to be like this because it is who I am. If that even makes sense? Thank you for letting me know your views on this though!
My thoughts are the same, so I think we are feeling the same, but you know, it’s good to just say hello and how are you and don’t feel the need to lie. If they are really good friends, no need for small talk.
So how are you?
If you’d asked me I would say, I’m fine I guess, a little worried about what this new year will bring, but I’ll try to make an effort to stay in touch. But I still like to be by myself.Have my space and use this time to know me.
All the best.
Yeah I tend not to lie and continue with the small talk - I just find it mentally exhausting sometimes! I get you though, I need my own space a lot and time to understand myself better, and I've tried to be quite open to some of my newest friends about this in advance! Thanks for commenting your thoughts Monica.
I relate to this a lot. Usually, I forget to reach out. Not because I want to evade them but because I get wrapped into things, then I realize that we didn't talk since a long time.
In more grave cases, it's because I got tired of some people. For example this year I've grown out of two people. I didn't like them anymore as I did at first, because I've grown and changed but I hoped that there could be a way to catch up and concile our views.
Until the festivities came and... I didn't say Happy Christmas or Happy New Year. But they never wished me happy birthday (that come during those days). I often think about it.
I fell like yes, I've my faults. But I friendship is between a person and another.
And sometimes i feel just tired too? In need of cancel plans and stay at home more and more. But I'm trying to get out . Anyway, this post really hits home
I've also previously had to cut off 'friends' especially a couple who similarly didn't bother to wish me happy birthday - but expected me to be there for them whenever they needed me even if it was a poor time for me, so I completely understand! I wrote this for a bit of a vent so I'm happily surprised that it's relatable - so thank you for commenting and letting me know your thoughts Cam!
I feel ya !
Though on my end, so many times i've tried my best to recontact said person and they don't reach out for me in any way.Sure, they reply, but once I stop trying everything is over. Sad, but it is a two way street, surely i'm not the only one who need to do an effort.
Wonderful post xx
Yeah I feel like I sometimes get stuck in the I'm the only one trying too! Glad you liked the post xx
I think as an introvert it's so hard to feel like a good friend, because what we value in relationships doesn't necessarily fit the standard model of "friendship" (or romantic relationships). my best friend and I are both very introverted, so since we're attending colleges in different states our text chain is mostly inactive with bursts of activity when one of us finds a particularly relatable meme or wants to vent about a book - and that works for us, skipping all the small talk.
yet all my college friends seem to have arranged weekly one-on-one coffee shop hangouts, or going to fitness classes together, or make spontaneous plans to study together, and it's definitely awkward catching up when I haven't seen them in a few days (or weeks). sometimes you have to be the one to reach out first, it's true, but if they don't respond it's not your fault; and if they continually fail to respond or follow through with actual plans it's definitely not your fault. "two-way street" goes both ways. (and I can absolutely relate to worrying that people are secretly reluctantly tolerating my presence in their lives - I felt that way through most of high school. it sucks.)
This is such a great post, Becky. I think a lot about this because as I've gotten older and moved away I have grown further and further apart from most of my friends. It's easy when you are close in proximity to stay in touch and see one another, but when separated by distance and time it gets harder, especially because we all get so wrapped up in our lives. I found myself only reaching out for birthdays and holidays because I didn't want to be a burden... but about a year ago a 15+ year friendship ended and I decided to change that. I text friends now and then when I am thinking of them, just to say hi. That's started them reaching out on occasion just to say hi.
I'm a kind of low maintenance friend that doesn't need a lot of attention, just full attention when we are around one another. I feel like social media exacerbates the "ease" for catching up and keeping in touch, but I never had conversations of value on Facebook status updates or on IG posts.
This is so relatable, I totally get it. I feel this way so often, and it's hard to push yourself to reach out (what if you're bothering them) and sometimes I straight up forget and whoops it's been a month.
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